A few days after we got engaged, Hubs took me to Frankenmuth to celebrate his birthday. We had a lot of fun walking down the streets and visiting different shops. At one point, we walked by one of those old time photo booths you see at carnivals and tourist traps. "Can we stop in there?" he asked me. "I've always wanted to have one of those pictures taken."

Of course I said yes, even though I thought those things were kind of like ripoff carnival games where you end up paying $20 in tickets to win a cheap stuffed animal. But I went along with it anyway. The photographer gave us some ratty 1980's-style western wear to put on, and had us pose with toy pistols and money bags. I felt silly doing it, but you know... for Hubs.

When we were done, we went up to the counter to pick out a picture to take home. When I saw the prices for each photo, I almost died. It was somewhere between $20 and $40. After that, none of the pictures that we had taken looked good enough to bring home. Of course Hubs was still excited about the whole ordeal, asking me which ones I liked and pointing out the ones he thought were best.

An Attitude Adjustment
I almost said to him, "Can we just NOT buy a photo and go spend the money somewhere else?" But then I remembered what he had said before we walked in. "I've always wanted to have one of those pictures taken." For him, it wasn't about paying $40 for a photograph. For him, it was living out an experience he'd always wanted to have, and better yet with the girl that he loved! 

Right then and there, I decided to change my attitude about the situation. I pasted on a smile and told him which photographs I thought were the best. It was not worth a $40 savings to ruin an experience that he'd always looked forward to. I didn't want him to look at that picture and remember the time I threw a fit because it was too expensive.

When we left, he looked at the picture again, beaming. "Thanks so much for letting us stop in there," he told me. "It really is a nice picture."

*****

Memories are permanent. Money can always be earned or spent, but once a memory is made there is no taking it back. Whenever I look at the old time photo of us, I'm reminded of the time I had a bad attitude and almost ruined Hubs' birthday. If I would have told him my concerns about the price, he probably would have honored my request and left without the photo, disappointed and sad that his fiance was such a tightwad that she couldn't enjoy the old time photo booth with him.

I am so happy that Hubs can look at the old-time photo of us and remember good things. Just the other day he brought it out again to show a friend and I was reminded how important it is to put memories before money.

What about you? Are there items in your home that you don't even like to look at because they resurrect bad memories caused by money fights? It's especially hard for those of us who are frugal. It's important to us to save money, so we have a conniption (disguised as "deep concern" that our spouse or friend is making bad choices) whenever someone spends too much. Even if it is not our money! In the case of our old time photo, Hubs was spending his own money on something he had always wanted for his own birthday. In my heart, I knew he was a wise spender and that he probably wouldn't buy another $40 photo for years, but still I felt the need to throw a fit about it on his birthday. Shame on me!

How to Handle Over-Spending and Eliminate Bad Memories
The good news is that we can begin making good memories and prevent bad ones, starting today. In a situation where I think Hubs is spending too much money, I always ask myself the following questions:

1. Can we afford it? We can almost always afford it.

2. Why is he spending it? In the case of the old time photo, he was doing something he had always wanted to do. Many times when he spends "too much" money on something, it is for me, or something to make me happy. Believe me, ladies- this should never be discouraged!! 

3. Is it worth making a bad memory over? If Hubs wanted to by a $40,000 boat, that might be something worth making a bad memory over. But a $5 sandwich at McDonalds is no reason to ruin a vacation or Sunday afternoon. See #1. 

4. When would be a better time to address this spending habit? Hint: not on his birthday. Or yours. Or any other time when it would ruin a potentially good memory. And never address over-spending when there are other people around, because that is embarrassing. 

5. What would be a tactful way to bring this up? Instead of staging a major protest and sharing my "deep concern" with tears or anger, I try to mention it in an offhand way without any emotion. This makes it more of a discussion and less of a fight. 

"Hey honey, I've noticed that you always buy the $5 sandwich at McDonalds. Did you know that two of the cheaper sandwiches give you more meat for less money? I know, it's crazy!"

"Dear, there is this brand I really like at Walmart called Price Smart. You can find it at the bottom of the aisles, with Spanish subtitles on every package. It would make me so happy* if you could buy that brand when I send you in to get something. Thanks!"

When addressing over-spending, I never bring up something wrong he did in the past to use as an example (although it is really tempting sometimes). This is counter-productive and will NOT change his behavior. It doesn't make him feel good about doing what I want. Plus, it can't change something that already happened. My goal is to prevent problems, not complain about them after the fact.

Memories Matter More
Remember that there will always be more money somewhere, but our days and hours on this earth are limited. Nobody ever lay dying and wished they could have saved just one more dollar. Tightwads have a bad name because they put money before memories.

Being frugal is important (especially to people like me!) but it is not the most important. We can't afford to have a lifetime of bad memories. We can't afford to argue about pennies. I challenge you to think about what is most important. It is worth more than money. 

-Bethany

*I really like using this phrase. Husbands can argue the logic of saving money, being healthy, etc., but they can't argue with what makes you happy. Oftentimes they don't even care about being richer or healthier, but every husband wants a happier wife. And don't forget to reward him with a double dose of happiness when he saves that extra dollar for you! 

The key to eating frugally is to shop for real value. Just because something is expensive doesn’t make it better than a similar item that is free.

If you can afford it and buying expensive food is important to you, then by all means do it. But many of us are wondering “does the benefit of buying expensive food outweigh the cost?” There are several reasons why food is expensive. If you want to save money, don't buy these things.

1. The item is rare or hard to difficult to produce. Oranges in Michigan, for example. Oranges cost more than apples because we don’t have orange groves here. But did you know that an orange is not the only thing that contains vitamin C? Strawberries, bell peppers and summer squash are also high in vitamin C and don’t cost anything to grow here in Michigan.
2. The item is packaged nicely or is name brand. There’s Barilla spaghetti, and then there’s Walmart spaghetti. The Barilla box looks more appealing, and it’s placed on the middle shelf where it’s easy to reach. The Walmart spaghetti is in an ugly box, and you have to bend down to pick it up (I know, that’s a lot of work). What’s in both boxes? An equal amount of identical spaghetti. Depending on what you buy there may be slight differences between off-brand and name-brand, but both brands serve the same purpose, and many times you get a better deal by buying the off-brand.
3. The item is convenient. Those pre-cut and arranged platters of cheese and crackers at the deli? The cheese, meat and crackers are only half of what you pay for. The other half is what you pay for not having to cut up and arrange all those cheese cubes and crackers. The $4 TV dinner that includes $1 worth of food, or the $4 quart of yogurt that cost $1 to make; all very convenient. We pay a lot for convenience. In Pizza Night, I show you how to do most of your own food prep (in a short amount of time) to save money.

 
Are you shopping for value, or something else?

A lot of shoppers think they are paying for value- for health, their kids, or they think they are buying more time. Let’s see if this is really the case.

For Health

You do NOT have to eat spinach every week to be healthy. A fresh, local alternative to spinach is the lambsquarter weed, but who thinks about eating weeds? Nobody, but this does not change the nutritional content of lambsquarter. Likewise, organ meats are cheap and considered “gross” or “for poor people”, but they are highly nutritious.

Because We Love Our Kids

Would you believe that kids like Walmart ketchup just as much as they like Hunts? A kid, if he has not watched a lot of TV commercials, will like cheap “Fruity O’s” that come in a big plastic bag just as much as he likes real Fruit Loops. Don’t kid yourself- kids can’t tell the difference. I can hardly tell the difference. Besides, who is the boss at your house anyway? You or your 5-year-old? Do you think you can truly make your kid happy or show them real love by purchasing “kid-friendly” processed garbage?

We’re Too Busy

Is it really the case that we “don’t have time” to cook, or that we just don’t want to? I imagine many of us spend more time on Facebook and other social networks than we spend in the kitchen. You might think you are busy doing "more important things". Or maybe you really do want to cook more, but you’re not good at managing your time and setting boundaries. (Once again, my book Pizza Night will help you make time to cook.) In many cases, buying convenience food is just putting a band-aid on bigger time-management issues. Being "busy" does not make you any more important than someone who has time to cook.

What does this all boil down to?

One word: ego. I have shopped for ego myself, you know. When I "didn’t have time" to make cookies for a party (bad time management), I used to buy Oreos. Not the identical “chocolate sandwich cookies”, but real Oreos that cost twice as much, because I didn’t want to be seen as the cheapy cheap-pants that didn’t even buy real Oreos. To me it didn’t matter- they were both just as good. But in my mind I could hear everyone’s thoughts: “There’s Bethany with her cheap cookies. She knows that everyone likes oreos, but she is too cheap to spend money on the real thing. She doesn’t care about us enough to buy what we really like. Boo for her- we’re not eating fake oreos, and she can take them all back home.” So I paid twice as much.

Being frugal can be hard if it feels like everyone around you is trying to “beat the Joneses”. Even in something as small as buying groceries. Buying Walmart pop instead of Mountain Dew just looks bad, you know what I mean? Or in higher income (and spending) circles, you might feel bad because Housewife-Down-The-Street makes organic quinoa tabouli, and you make brown rice. Maybe people really will look down on you for “being cheap” or "being poor", but it could be a fear that is only in your head.

I challenge you (and myself) to shop logically. Put aside your own ego in every way, shape, or form. Shop for value, not for status, pretty packaging, or convenience. This will really help you save.

Does buying expensive food help you feel better about yourself? Why?

 Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post: Growing Savings